"I (barely) Survived the Purity Movement:" A Memoir
I've been feeling more
and more led to break the silence that's gripped my heart regarding my dating
life. More & more people seem to care about my dating life (or lack
thereof), so as I've been reading books, sorting through my story, &
exploring my heart---I've decided to share a little bit about what makes me who
I am. (Even though, TBH, it's not most of your
business.)
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I'm a single, 27-year old. I have two jobs that I LOVE--I'm a Youth
Pastor & a Counselor. I've got a great sense of humor and people tell me
that my smile is pretty. I graduated with a 4.0 from Graduate school. I have a
really cute dog. I have a very nice apartment. I have great friends and an
amazing family. For the most part, I have everything I want.
And yet, people are constantly trying to get me to date someone. While I appreciate their care (really, I do!), it can get really old hearing these statements:
"Have you tried eHarmony yet?"
"Have you done the Tinder thing?"
"Okay, but seriously, my second cousin's, best friend met his spouse on Match.com!"
"You're getting old." (okay. fine. that's my own thought, but i know other people are thinking it!)
"Hayley, you know that your future husband isn't going to just show up on your doorstep."
Woah. Hold up. Wait, he's not? Are you sure? Because I grew up in a culture that told me otherwise! I was told, "Just wait. God will bring you Mr. Right at the right time." So, I've been patiently waiting!
(Plus, I watched a lot of Disney movies and the Prince always just appears.)
The truth is, for years, I believed with my whole heart that my future husband was going to show up at my front door. ....Okay. I didn't literally think that's what was going to happen... but I assumed God would alert me when the right man came into my life. And that man and I wouldn't even have to date! We'd just know that we were meant for each other & we'd get engaged & get married & have kids & adopt babies from Africa (obv.) & have a healthy relationship & sex life. Ta-da!
My whole adolescent life was spent soaking in the Purity Culture of Evangelical Christianity. I signed the commitment cards. I read ALL the books on sexual purity: I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Technical Virgin: How Far is Too Far?, Sexy Girls: How Hot is Too Hot?, When God Writes Your Love Story, Lady in Waiting, Every Young Woman's Battle, Dateable: Are you? Are they?, The Bride Wore White and more.
The premise of these books were all simple. They all had the same ideas. And all of these ideas were spoken directly to the women, not the men. And I was a 100% believer in everything I was taught about boys, dating, and marriage.
Some of the main ideas were:
1. Sexual activity leads to depression.
(okay. so, why would I ever want to get married and experience sexual activity?)
2. Guard your heart. Keep it under lock & key. Because men cannot be trusted. They will use your heart & then destroy it.
(oh. men sound really great. can't wait to marry one...)
3. If you remain pure before marriage, you won't experience heartbreak & God will bring you a perfect man.
(is that a guarantee? can I get that in writing?)
4. Men don't respect women.
(okay....)
5. God will bring you your perfect Prince Charming at just the right time.
(perfect. i left my glass slipper on my sidewalk, just waiting for him to find me)
6. If you wear a two-piece swimsuit or short-shorts at church camp, you will cause your brother in Christ to stumble.
(wait. but the guys don't even have shirts on while they swim, and that one guy's six pack is making me stumble!)
7. Your value as a Proverbs 31 Christian woman is based on your virginity.
(oh, really?...cause i thought my value was based on jesus....?)
8. If you aren't a virgin until your wedding night, you are dirty, damaged, and not whole.
(that really helps my self-esteem)
and there were so. many. more.
Guys. I lived & loved the Purity movement because I rocked that purity life! I had THREE purity rings (because one apparently wasn't enough?). They are still collecting dust on my dresser. One says, "True Love Waits." Another one says, "I will wait for my beloved." And still another one says, "Purity: Psalm 51:10." They each represented a lot to my adolescent heart: Hope, Joy, Love.
And I wore those rings proudly in middle school & high school, and even parts of college.
Plus, there were the conferences & camp that I attended. They always had a "purity" section for the ladies! I'll never forget the multiple analogies that I learned to describe women's virginity/sexuality. Like the duct tape analogy.
You start out with a perfectly clean piece of duct tape (virginity) & then you stick it to multiple different things (you have sex with different people)... and then the duct tape is useless because it has completely lost it's stickiness. Who has use for a non-sticky piece of duct tape? No one. (Aka. who has use for a girl that has crossed the physical/sexual boundary line? No one.)
Now, most of my friends didn't keep their commitments to purity in high school & college, but I did. And I was damn sure that I'd be rewarded with an amazing, perfect husband before all my broken, damaged friends! After all...while I was polishing my purity rings, my friends were dating... (sinners!). They were kissing... (heathens!). They were saying "i love you!"... (transgressors!).
When I finally did begin dating a few people, I was so covered in shame & fear that it was nearly impossible to form a healthy relationship with anyone.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I can't be in a room with guys, as the only girl, without experiencing extreme anxiety.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I wore basketball shorts & t-shirts every day in high school to cover up my curves.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm 27 years old and dating is extremely uncomfortable & awkward.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm scared of guys.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm ashamed of my body.
Because of the Purity Movement, I learned that sex is to be feared. Men are to be avoided. Our bodies are to be covered up in one-piece swimsuits. And dating is to be approached with extreme caution.
In Linda Kay Klein's book, "Pure," she says, "Evangelical Christianity's sexual purity movement is traumatizing many girls and maturing women haunted by sexual and gender-based anxiety, fear, and physical experiences that sometimes mimic the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
Wow.
The impact of the purity culture is only just now being researched and understood. In fact, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (a staple book in the purity movement) recently made this statement: “I no longer agree with the book's central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner.” Harris also apologized to those who were misdirected or unhelpfully influenced by the book. “I know this apology doesn't change anything for you and it's coming too late, but I want you to hear that I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a less-than-biblical view of yourself, your sexuality, your relationships, and God."
I appreciate his gesture, I really do.
But... he's right...it is too late. I've just begun to slowly unravel the damage, the confusion, the shame, the anxiety, and the fear that I was drowning in from the purity culture that I was so wrapped in.
God is re-teaching me His truth about who He is and who I am in Him.
...and it's a beautiful, chaotic process.
This blog post doesn't end with a neatly tied bow. I don't have any answers or solutions.
All I've concluded is that I have a story that (apparently) relates to a lot more people than I've ever realized.
So...back to your questions... Yes. I have tried eHarmony. I have tried Tinder. I also have friends who have met their spouses on Match.com. I know I'm getting old!
And finally, I am aware that my future husband (probably) isn't going to show up at my door step.
HG
P.S. If you have been affected by the purity movement, I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments & stories. You aren't alone. Feel free to email me at garrhjg@hotmail.com.
P.P.S. If you're interested in exploring more about the recent research regarding the impact of the Purity Culture on my generation, check out this book: "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free." It's a fascinating book and I find myself within many of its pages.
And yet, people are constantly trying to get me to date someone. While I appreciate their care (really, I do!), it can get really old hearing these statements:
"Have you tried eHarmony yet?"
"Have you done the Tinder thing?"
"Okay, but seriously, my second cousin's, best friend met his spouse on Match.com!"
"You're getting old." (okay. fine. that's my own thought, but i know other people are thinking it!)
"Hayley, you know that your future husband isn't going to just show up on your doorstep."
Woah. Hold up. Wait, he's not? Are you sure? Because I grew up in a culture that told me otherwise! I was told, "Just wait. God will bring you Mr. Right at the right time." So, I've been patiently waiting!
(Plus, I watched a lot of Disney movies and the Prince always just appears.)
The truth is, for years, I believed with my whole heart that my future husband was going to show up at my front door. ....Okay. I didn't literally think that's what was going to happen... but I assumed God would alert me when the right man came into my life. And that man and I wouldn't even have to date! We'd just know that we were meant for each other & we'd get engaged & get married & have kids & adopt babies from Africa (obv.) & have a healthy relationship & sex life. Ta-da!
My whole adolescent life was spent soaking in the Purity Culture of Evangelical Christianity. I signed the commitment cards. I read ALL the books on sexual purity: I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Technical Virgin: How Far is Too Far?, Sexy Girls: How Hot is Too Hot?, When God Writes Your Love Story, Lady in Waiting, Every Young Woman's Battle, Dateable: Are you? Are they?, The Bride Wore White and more.
The premise of these books were all simple. They all had the same ideas. And all of these ideas were spoken directly to the women, not the men. And I was a 100% believer in everything I was taught about boys, dating, and marriage.
Some of the main ideas were:
1. Sexual activity leads to depression.
(okay. so, why would I ever want to get married and experience sexual activity?)
2. Guard your heart. Keep it under lock & key. Because men cannot be trusted. They will use your heart & then destroy it.
(oh. men sound really great. can't wait to marry one...)
3. If you remain pure before marriage, you won't experience heartbreak & God will bring you a perfect man.
(is that a guarantee? can I get that in writing?)
4. Men don't respect women.
(okay....)
5. God will bring you your perfect Prince Charming at just the right time.
(perfect. i left my glass slipper on my sidewalk, just waiting for him to find me)
6. If you wear a two-piece swimsuit or short-shorts at church camp, you will cause your brother in Christ to stumble.
(wait. but the guys don't even have shirts on while they swim, and that one guy's six pack is making me stumble!)
7. Your value as a Proverbs 31 Christian woman is based on your virginity.
(oh, really?...cause i thought my value was based on jesus....?)
8. If you aren't a virgin until your wedding night, you are dirty, damaged, and not whole.
(that really helps my self-esteem)
and there were so. many. more.
Guys. I lived & loved the Purity movement because I rocked that purity life! I had THREE purity rings (because one apparently wasn't enough?). They are still collecting dust on my dresser. One says, "True Love Waits." Another one says, "I will wait for my beloved." And still another one says, "Purity: Psalm 51:10." They each represented a lot to my adolescent heart: Hope, Joy, Love.
And I wore those rings proudly in middle school & high school, and even parts of college.
Plus, there were the conferences & camp that I attended. They always had a "purity" section for the ladies! I'll never forget the multiple analogies that I learned to describe women's virginity/sexuality. Like the duct tape analogy.
You start out with a perfectly clean piece of duct tape (virginity) & then you stick it to multiple different things (you have sex with different people)... and then the duct tape is useless because it has completely lost it's stickiness. Who has use for a non-sticky piece of duct tape? No one. (Aka. who has use for a girl that has crossed the physical/sexual boundary line? No one.)
Now, most of my friends didn't keep their commitments to purity in high school & college, but I did. And I was damn sure that I'd be rewarded with an amazing, perfect husband before all my broken, damaged friends! After all...while I was polishing my purity rings, my friends were dating... (sinners!). They were kissing... (heathens!). They were saying "i love you!"... (transgressors!).
When I finally did begin dating a few people, I was so covered in shame & fear that it was nearly impossible to form a healthy relationship with anyone.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I can't be in a room with guys, as the only girl, without experiencing extreme anxiety.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I wore basketball shorts & t-shirts every day in high school to cover up my curves.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm 27 years old and dating is extremely uncomfortable & awkward.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm scared of guys.
Thanks to the Purity Movement, I'm ashamed of my body.
Because of the Purity Movement, I learned that sex is to be feared. Men are to be avoided. Our bodies are to be covered up in one-piece swimsuits. And dating is to be approached with extreme caution.
In Linda Kay Klein's book, "Pure," she says, "Evangelical Christianity's sexual purity movement is traumatizing many girls and maturing women haunted by sexual and gender-based anxiety, fear, and physical experiences that sometimes mimic the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
Wow.
The impact of the purity culture is only just now being researched and understood. In fact, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (a staple book in the purity movement) recently made this statement: “I no longer agree with the book's central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner.” Harris also apologized to those who were misdirected or unhelpfully influenced by the book. “I know this apology doesn't change anything for you and it's coming too late, but I want you to hear that I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a less-than-biblical view of yourself, your sexuality, your relationships, and God."
I appreciate his gesture, I really do.
But... he's right...it is too late. I've just begun to slowly unravel the damage, the confusion, the shame, the anxiety, and the fear that I was drowning in from the purity culture that I was so wrapped in.
God is re-teaching me His truth about who He is and who I am in Him.
...and it's a beautiful, chaotic process.
This blog post doesn't end with a neatly tied bow. I don't have any answers or solutions.
All I've concluded is that I have a story that (apparently) relates to a lot more people than I've ever realized.
So...back to your questions... Yes. I have tried eHarmony. I have tried Tinder. I also have friends who have met their spouses on Match.com. I know I'm getting old!
And finally, I am aware that my future husband (probably) isn't going to show up at my door step.
HG
P.S. If you have been affected by the purity movement, I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments & stories. You aren't alone. Feel free to email me at garrhjg@hotmail.com.
P.P.S. If you're interested in exploring more about the recent research regarding the impact of the Purity Culture on my generation, check out this book: "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free." It's a fascinating book and I find myself within many of its pages.
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