"Of this I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends in ashes."

I've been sick for the past two and a half days. There is nothing better than spending 48+ hours in a dorm room with episodes of Friends playing on repeat, saltine cracker crumbs on your bed, and gatorade and 7-up bottles thrown around the room. ...Actually, I can think of a lot more important things that needed to happen this week...Papers to write. Tests to study for. Dinners with students. Youth group events. Volleyball games to attend. Friends to see. Youth talks to plan. Books to read. Journaling that needs to happen. The list goes on for a while...

But God has a way of slowing us down. 

And this week...He did just that. 

I have barely left my dorm room over the past 48 hours. I'm sick of staring at these walls. I'm sick of not having any motivation. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of being sick. 

If you know me at all...you know that I like to be busy. I like to go...go...and go. I love running back and forth between Lindenwood and Chesterfield---multiple times a day. I love the time in the car. I love seeing students. I love living in the balance of all this chaos. But sometimes, it can take it's toll on me. And I think God needed to slow me down, so that He could speak to me heart.

Sometimes I wish that I would figure out what God was trying to tell me before He allows sickness to touch me. Before He breaks me down. 

But God knows that I don't listen well that way. God knows that I will run myself into the ground before I take the chance to stop and breathe. 

It's not that I've been ignoring God. It's not that I've been distant from Him. It's not that I've been putting my relationship with Him on the back-burner. I've had to be very intentional with my time that I spend with Him because if I'm not intentional with my time---time with Him would not happen. I like to think that I've done a pretty good job of balancing everything this semester. My job is only 20 hours a week---but working with teenagers, specifically teenage girls---it's pretty much a 24/7 job. There is always more encouragement that could be given to them. There is always drama in their lives. There are always sports events to attend. There are always conversations that need to happen. There is never a day that goes by that I don't want to see them. They all are such an encouragement to me and I love them so, so much. But...setting boundaries and making a schedule have been crucial to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. So, I've done just that.

So why did God need to slow me down? If I've been balancing my life so well...why did I need to be sentenced to my dorm for 48 hours?

I think God wanted me to rest. Truly rest. Physically rest. Mentally rest. ...just take a breath, acknowledge all that He's done and is continuing to do...and just rest in His arms. 

This "rest" thing came at an "inconvenient" time. And my first thought was "I do not have time to be sick!!!" So, for the first 24 hours, I grumbled about being sick. And I went to sleep last night thinking---I'm just glad this was a 24 hour bug. I'll be back to normal by morning!! Well morning came...and I was still sick. So, I stopped and thought, "Alright, God, apparently I didn't learn my lesson during the first 24 hours. Let's try this again." And I rested today. I reflected today. I journaled today. I prayed today. 

And God showed up. God always shows up. 

God reminded me of where He has brought me from. 

He reminded me of my past habitual sins, but He showed me that my worth is not defined by any of it. 

He reminded me of the past few months, but then He reminded me that He has mended my broken heart.

He reminded me of my scars, but then He reminded me that He has healed every last wound. 

He reminded me of my insecurities, but then He reminded me that I am beautiful, loved, and redeemed. 

He reminded me of who I was---in order to remind me that I am not that girl anymore. 

Every fear that used to hold me back has been demolished.

Every chain that used to hold me down has been broken.

Every shame that used to weigh me down has been lifted.

Every doubt that used to discourage me has disappeared. 

Every secret has been brought to the light. 

And I had nothing to do with this redemption.

Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God---not by works, so that no one can boast." 

I am not who I once was because Jesus defeated the power of sin, so that I could walk in freedom. 

I'm no longer living in fear---because Jesus rose from the grave and has called me to trust in Him.

I'm no longer living in shame---because Jesus rose from the grave and lifted my burdens. 

I'm no longer living in chains---because Jesus rose from the grave and set me free.

I'm no longer living in secret---because Jesus rose from the grave and called me out of darkness.

God could have left me in the darkness.

God could have left me in my shame.

God could have left me in my chains.

God could have left me in my heartbreak.

God could have left me in my disappointment.

God could have left me in my confusion.

But He has never once left me side.

He is with me in the valley. He is with me on the mountain top.

He is with me in my sickness. He is with me in my health.

I've learned that when things seem the most difficult in our lives---that is often when God is doing the most in us. He's in the process of shaping us, molding us, teaching us, growing us, and healing us. It's not always comfortable, but it's always worth it. He is constantly sanctifying us to be more like His son. There is a purpose for your pain. 

There is a lot of stuff in my life right now. School. Work. Dance. Friends. Family. Relationships. There are a lot of questions in my head. There is a lot of chaos in my brain and heart. But I know that God is in control of it all and He has my best in mind. He is protecting my heart. He is guarding my heart. He is holding my hand. He is guiding my steps. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." I am trusting that God will bring it all together in His timing and for His glory.

But for now---I am resting in Him. Resting in His grace. Resting in His love. Resting in His peace.

...And "Of this I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends in ashes."

God's story never ends in ashes. God's story ends in beautiful redemption...in beautiful healing. 

May you all be encouraged and challenged to remember where God has brought you from---so that you may better grasp His grace, love and healing in your life. Our God is a God who rescues, heals, and restores. And may you turn to Him and praise Him for all that He's done. 

I thank God for slowing me down this week, so that I could remember these truths that I so often forget. 

Rest in His love,

HG